my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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