apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
