im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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