u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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