just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
