just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
