he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
