In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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