She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
