bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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