he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
