I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
