drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
