So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
