Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
