My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
