If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
