we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
