hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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