It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
