The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
