and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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