he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
