Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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