Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
