His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
