The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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