I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
A bitchslap is in order.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
