The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
