I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
