Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
