her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
