Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
