It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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