i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
