I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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