Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
