Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
