why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
