did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
