so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
