i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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