So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
