i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
