Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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