Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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