i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
