They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
