before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
