Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
