wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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