Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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