ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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